Skylar: 2 Years Later

28 Sep 2017

I wish I had beautiful eloquent things to say today yet I do not have any. All the right words and things I should say are all gone having slipped through my fingers. Thankfully the Avi before today has already said plenty of other stuff in the last two years.

So I’m going to share some of those words today instead.

I love you so much Skylar.

I used to rest my face in one hand at the dining room table, watch my brother carefully make boxes or cards and arrange the flowers in them for his friends. It didn’t make sense to me why he did all of this or what the point of it was. All I could see was that he was determined, happy, and humming along to the sound of nothing as I’d just poke at him so we could do something else together. - Posted on Medium, 1 October 2015

It’s just that my brother ended at 16, 2 months to his birthday and 7 days to mine. - Posted on Facebook, 29 September 2015

I’ll never be able to forget collapsing the first few hours sobbing to becoming stoic and doing paperwork and finances; nor will I forget the funeral where I inappropriately could not stop laughing and smiling while greeting people; nor will I forget receiving the funeral bill and Skylar’s ashes on the date of my birth 20 years prior. - Posted on Facebook, 17 September 2016

Today for my birthday I found out how much my brother’s funeral costed. I paid for the burial lot so he can rest someday in a place that’s well lit and sunny. - Posted on Medium, 5 October 2015

This morning of my birthday was rough. I haven’t held my brother in so long and now he was in my lap. In a box. I just kept hugging him even though I knew he would never speak to me again. - Posted on Facebook, 5 October 2015

To a hometown I said I’d never return to except for Skylar: I did. I ended up taking over and fixing my birth parents mistakes, arranging the funeral for them. Looking at their finances because they could not and had not looked. Be the strong one because two adults who hardly were involved in our lives growing up realised their actions—neglectful, abusive, harmful—did have an impact and it hit them. - Posted on Facebook, 17 September 2016

Is it too late to tell someone I love you? - Posted on Medium, 4 October 2015

Hugs, kisses on cheeks, flowers — I have no recollection of where or when he began that tradition with me. He was so affectionate to me, he’d cuddle right up next to me on the couch whether I was sad or happy. I’d complain profusely, “There’s plenty of space on this couch you know,” as he’d give his smile and nudge himself into my side more as I’d groan and give up on telling him otherwise; “Oh my gosh you’re like a dog,” I’d tell Skylar when he’d hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek in the morning or at night; “Ugh you know I’m allergic to pollen are you trying to- oh those are daisies I don’t mind too much then,” as he’d have a small bouquet of flowers with him. - Posted on Medium, 1 October 2015

To all the people contacting me yes, I do know what happened and yes, I am trying to get back to Madison right now. I ask that people who are wondering please do not ask me. For those whom are aware yes, it is true. […] but once again please do not ask me. Thank you. - Posted on Facebook, 28 September 2015

I should not have to fight for who I am but I will until this world has changed. It has already begun with my brother, it will continue with one more voice that is mine. - Posted on Facebook, 10 October 2015

Couldn’t really sleep because I’ll never know what time it really begins until now. So this is it: one year since Skylar Lee. In some ways the worst day of my life losing my own younger brother by genetics, trans and nonbinary too, also created some of the most beautiful days I’ve ever had and I’m grateful I expanded my human emotional experience even if it were in sad ways too.

All I can say is I love so many of you even if I don’t say it and to be well in your own unique ways, it’s also okay to be sad too. Stay safe all. - Posted on Facebook, 28 September 2016