Do. Not. Resuscitate.

12 Jun 2017

Do not resuscitate me. If I am dying: do not resuscitate (DNR).

I’m not mad or angry at anyone. I’m disappointed at my body since I know how it works and reacts. Going to a hospital involuntarily was inevitable, it was only a matter of time before someone made that decision for me. Maybe it’s best it happened this way so they didn’t run even more tests on me had I simply passed out with no warning in the middle of a street—except those tests were done several hours after it had already happened.

If I am going to pass out or pass out let me. Then send me home. I’ll recover on my own.

If I tell you I do not have health insurance do not seek medical attention. I will always, always, fail a medic exam leading to a hospital.

I will always be referred to a hospital because no one wants to make the mistake of not sending me there. With my health complications past and current they will never feel comfortable sending me home the moment they see me. They will always want to double check and do tests to make sure it’s not something from my medical history.

I know this very well.

At least GWU Hospital was really nice.

I’m going to have to file bankruptcy after yesterdays trip to the emergency room once I get the bill because a single state line means I do not have access to the Medicaid expansion (unless it’s a literal miracle of me being magically pregnant or in my late 60’s to which I’d become religious over night—which I’m not so no).

It’s strange to me that folks, the day you go to a hospital, say: take care of yourself, eat more, drink more. Except how will I ever have the will to do that now that I’m having to stress on this? How will I be able to financially afford to do that after this? I could barely before. Now I can’t.

The world doesn’t work in miraculous ways that sending someone to a hospital fixes everything.

You’re not the one paying the bills at the end. You’re not the one having to stress about having to now look into bankruptcy. You’ve got a clear conscience. And sure, maybe it’s because to be a M.D. you have to agree to ethical agreements but you cannot just tell me you’ve called an ambulance and it’s almost here without letting me know you did that.

All the burden is now on me.

In the event of anything more serious happening than me just passing out: do not let them resuscitate.

Let this damn body go down with me.

I don’t care what your personal opinion on this is. This is my body. This is my choice. It’s not a choice I want to make but with how healthcare works (or in this case does not work at all) in America do not make that decision to do so without my consent.

In the end what makes this event worse for me after all of that is I’m months, just months, from being able to be financially stable completely.

And now I have to file for bankruptcy.

Do. Not. Resuscitate.

Afterword

Honestly I had hoped to post today or the end of this week some bad but also good news instead of what happened yesterday. This was unexpected and maybe in some ways made my next announcement, the bad one that is, easier to stomach for myself now that I have even more concrete reason for being unable to do so.

I will not be able to attend DEFCON 25 nor BSidesLV nor Queercon nor Cryptovillage nor the lockpicking village

It would have been my 5th one in a row, something I’ve been doing since I was 17 years of age. I’ve financially struggled at two of my four DEFCONs so far but I still always had the most magical times there which I’m beyond thankful for having experienced. Thank you to all the people whom I’ve met that shaped my life, I wish I could and should have thanked all of you.

I would never have gotten so heavily into crypto had it not been for my first DEFCON right before my first DEFCON 101 accidentally insulting LosT’s Korean then being told that he taught at Seoul University for two years and to meet him at this (then) Stanford math office if I want to ever chat more. Then seeing him on stage. I couldn’t ever hear what he said to me from that stage since everyone was laughing at the story but everything he said in his speech following truly began the rest of this journey for me.

I would never had wild adventures like that super weird watermelon incident with Queercon and the Scavenger Hunt, going through hallways we shouldn’t have gone for short cuts, that seriously stupid ‘lockercon’ incident where we discovered the Rio had no password on the admin account for their locker machines, countless hours of sitting underneath tables working on crypto puzzles and challenges like Caesar’s Challenge my third year until being pulled out from them being told I have to socialise, running around like a maniac volunteering which makes me so happy, and more, without having gone to DEFCON.

The communities I’ve joined and met have shaped my life in ways words can never be able to truly effectively communicate how much they mean to me. I love you all so much, those in my life from those communities I’ve joined, and I’m so grateful to have been with you all for so long several years in a row.

This is a lot more bittersweet than I imagined it’d be. Thank you all so much again for the darling memories.

Good news time.

My full time program at Thinkful is going really well. I want to say once again thank you to Out in Tech for providing the full tuition scholarship that is allowing me to be in the program. If it already hasn’t been clear enough there’s no way I could do this financially on my own.

I’m hoping sometime end of this week I’ll be able to share the initial groundwork of my trans project and whatever capstone project my partner and I from the program create together. Even more good news?

I’m now a Thinkful junior mentor in DC!

Want to learn Javascript and jQuery if you already don’t know? Come to a meet up and lets hang out.

Truly though as stressed as I am in other areas life is going really well. Marching band has been absolutely darling if spamming photos onto Twitter hasn’t been an indication of that. I know once I finish the program in September I’ll be in the best place of my life to comfortably show a guaranteed set of skills and a great portfolio with the help of my wonderful mentor pushing me to get the best work out there possible.

This past Saturday at DC Pride marching in the parade was a mix of happiness and also a lot of could have beens because it would have been Skylar’s graduation had he still been alive. Eileen’s death marking the beginning of Pride Month has hit me hard but I’m still here, I’m still present, and I’m going to keep going forward.

I’m going to be okay eventually somehow or another.

I’m excited at life and can’t wait to get to the finish line.

It’s just going to be more rough getting there now but hope you’ll all wait for me at the end.

Thank you all so much again, all the hugs and love, too.